Pro-tip: True happiness is out there, if you’re willing to chase it

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(The following is a public service announcement)

Pop songs, podcasts, movies, commercials, tweets, memes, even vines make it crystal clear that everyone else has it all figured out. Love, sex, money, looks, health, charm, popularity, likes, shares, followers, and more – tied up neatly in anywhere from 6 seconds to 90 minutes (or maybe just 140 characters). So…if they have it all, why has happiness eluded you? Could it be you have the wrong job? The wrong skin color? The wrong body? The wrong attitude? The wrong news feed? Or are you just too stupid and lazy?

Don’t you realize all those brave men and women are over there dying so you can be happy? Why are you letting our gallant heroes down? You’re not an anti-American loser, are you?

Everyone else lives in a huge, clean, nicely furnished home. If you don’t believe me, just turn on your TV or computer or smart phone and see for yourself. Their kids are cute and funny. Their mates may have a few minor (humorous) imperfections but that’s what makes them just fuckin’ perfect. Their car is shiny and doesn’t break down. Their pets never shit on the rug. Their bosses respect them. Their friends support them unconditionally. They own all the latest gear, the latest fashions. Their butts are firm, their biceps bulge. They always say the right thing at the right time. Their selfies are simply sublime. You, on the other hand, are a complete fuckin’ loser. But there’s hope for you, if you’re willing to chase it.

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The right apps, the right clothes, the right car, the right slang, the right hashtag, the right diet, the right hairdo, the right cause, the right behavior, the right placement of solidarity: every bit of it can be purchased now…for a limited time only. While supplies last. First come, first served. Buy one, get another at half-price. But make sure you buy, spend, consume, and chase, chase, chase. It’s your turn…unless, of course, it’s not. Unless you’re a complete fuckin’ loser. In that case, pay very close attention to the next section.

You must chase harder. Much harder. The most important move you can make is: Always. Keep. Chasing. Happiness is out there. You see it every night on your TV screen, iPad screen, iPhone screen, or whatever screen you waste your sad life staring at. You don’t want to be like those people who live in bad neighborhoods with lousy jobs and criminals for kids, right? They’re in that mess because they asked for it and they got exactly what they deserved. They are complete fuckin’ losers. Not you. You have potential…the potential to spend and consume and buy and chase until you’re just like all your fabulous friends on Netflix.

And another thing: You know all those treehuggers who tell you about the negative impact of your nonstop chasing? They’re the biggest fuckin’ losers of all.

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You deserve the best so get out there and chase it…chase it all day long…chase it until your last, dying breath. If you don’t keep chasing, your web traffic and SEO presence will vanish and you know what that means: the terrorists win.

When it comes to true happiness, you’re either with us or against us. Time to choose, losers: Which side are you on?

(This message is brought to you by, well, the same people who bring you all the messages.)

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