A liberal & a progressive walk into a restaurant called Democracy


A sign outside Democracy Restaurant promises, “Exercise Your Freedom of Choice with Our Varied Menu.”

Here’s what that menu offers:

Double Cheeseburger Deluxe: $100

Double Bacon Cheeseburger Deluxe: $100

Liberal: I don’t even have to look. I already know what I’m getting.

Progressive: But…

Liberal (to waiter): The usual, please. Just make sure none of that evil bacon touches my less evil meat and cheese.

The liberal and the waiter share a chuckle.

Progressive (to waiter): You got any vegan options?

Waiter: Well, we’re working towards that, you know, one baby step at a time. Be patient but of course, keep hoping.

Liberal: Change takes time. Lots and lots and lots of time.

They all nod solemnly.

Progressive: I was really hoping for a salad.

Liberal: Let me guess, a green salad?

The liberal and the waiter share a loud laugh.

Progressive (to waiter): Can I order a salad?

Waiter: Oh, you’re free to order anything you want here. This is Democracy.

Progressive: Okay, cool. I’d like a salad. (to liberal) Democracy is swell.

The waiter soon returns with a single plate upon which sits a greasy, oozing, bloody-rare double cheeseburger on a white flour roll alongside a deep-fried batch of GMO potatoes. The liberal’s eyes light up before taking a big, drippy bite.

Liberal: Mmmm, not a hint of bacon. Tastes like progress to me.

Progressive: Where’s my salad?

Waiter: We don’t serve salads here.

Progressive: But you said I was free to order anything.

Waiter: Sure, you can order whatever you please, but the only people who get to eat in Democracy are those who pick something that’s on our menu. (pause) And by the way, your hypothetical Green salad costs $150.

Progressive (takes out credit card): Oh well…I guess I’ll try again in four years.



One thought on “A liberal & a progressive walk into a restaurant called Democracy”

  1. Act II:
    Radical #1: I’m placing an order to go.
    Waiter: Sorry, you have to be seated.
    Radical #2: Uh-uh. You’re outta here.
    (cut to EXTERNAL VIEW, then WAITER ejected through plate glass onto sidewalk)
    (cut to INTERIOR. LIBERAL and PROGRESSIVE seated)
    Liberal: Don’t know why they did that. They’re still not going to get served.
    Progressive: Yeah, all it makes is a confusing mess. And no one will like them.

    Too soon? It says right here on the label that democracy is only good for a punch line.


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