Never mind the NSA – Jesus is in my computer!


Question #1: How many of you believe in the virgin birth/god-sent-his-son-to-save-us theory?

Question #2: How many of you believe in UFOs?

Sit tight … I’m going somewhere with this.

If you believe there’s life on other planets and you believe there’s a god who sent his son to Earth, who did this god send to the other planets to save them (assuming those planets are also chock full of sinners)?

Is Jesus rocketing all over the solar system or does G-d have other kids to spare?

Better question: Is the Almighty doing the whole virgin birth thing on other planets or is someone actually getting laid out there in the universe?

Here’s the best question of all: If an all-knowing god wanted to spread his message and save his people, why did he send his son to Bethlehem in the Year Zero? Call me a heathen, but I’m thinking if he set up Jesus in a Times Square office with a laptop, wireless connection, and Twitter account in 2014, well … you get the idea.

Let’s face it; dumping the messiah into a manger in a small town in Palestine some 2,000 years ago ain’t exactly the type of decision an omnipotent being would make. I mean, I’m reaching more people with this blog post than Jesus met in his entire life.

Hmm … that gives me an idea.


What if I told you (and anyone who’ll listen) that Jesus was talking to me through my computer? You know the drill, a suburban housewife claims to see Jesus in her toaster and the Mel Gibson crowd lines up outside her door for miles for a look. Funny how it works, huh? America is blowing up babies in Afghanistan but Jesus chooses to appear in a kitchen appliance in Levittown.

Talk about “mysterious ways.”

Anyway, if I were persistent enough and sincere enough, it just might work. (Believe me, after 12 years of Catholic school, I can talk the talk.)

Imagine this: I get the 700 Club crowd to buy into my story that the son of god is chatting with me through my iMac. Then, once the Jesus Squad is on my side, the politicians can’t really fuck with me. Nobody challenges a prophet, right? (Ain’t that so, Mr. Koresh?)

That’s when the fun really begins. Once I achieve prophet status, I get myself interviewed by all the major news outlets and tell the world that Jesus ain’t exactly thrilled with, say, factory farming, depleted uranium, and GMOs.

TPP, fracking, stop-and-frisk, and the NSA? All the work of the devil. Stuff like strip malls and strip mining: positively satanic.

In fact, capitalism was created in the depths of hell right alongside the U.S. military budget and the Clintons.

Imagine how large of an audience I’d have!

So, whaddya think?


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